Swimming

Swimming in London is shit. Sorry, but why the fuck would anyone want to swim in the piss left behind all those unwashed school-children?

I first learned to swim in Florida. I’m sure we washed.

I never got brilliant at swimming. I can’t do the “crawl” properly or anything like that but at boot-camp I was signed-off as not being a liability to others and went on to being able to rescue someone should my ship sink. We also learned how to jump off a very high diving board. I think it might have been 20 feet. They taught us how to take off our dungarees and use them as floatation devices should we really be fucked.

I do miss swimming. My gym doesn’t have a pool. But the best swimming isn’t in pools anyways. You gotta go to the beach.

I did a lot of swimming at Laguna Beach. Proper.  I like to boogie board. It’s surfing for people can’t stand up on a surf board. You catch a wave and ride it in, over and over. You can’t be having little arguments in your head with other people or be worrying about your future; it’s the repetition of the breathing , strokes and waves – and the faint sounds of kids screaming and laughing.

I went swimming in Haringey once. It was supposed to be “women only”. Sure as shit, there were loads of school-kids. I asked the Stalinista behind the desk what the deal was and she told me, “It’s a woman’s right to bring her kids”.

For fuck’s sakes, it ruins the whole point.